3:55 PM, and I've written the requisite number of pages for the essay due tomorrow. All that remains is to finish my conclusion, leave it for an hour or two, return to proofread it, print it off, and put it safely in my book-bag where it will be out of my sight. I don't consider myself to be a procrastinator: after all, I wrote most of the essay several weeks ago, and I do work extremely well under pressure. I think that I thrive in anxiety, as much as it causes me extreme discomfort.
The perfectionism is gnawing at me: I could very well keep working on the paper until the wee hours of the morning, picking apart minute sentences and flipping endlessly through the thesaurus in order to find the perfect words. It's my last semester of my undergraduate degree, and I've already secured my spot in graduate school, so why do I care so much about having a perfect semester and trying to raise my GPA the tiniest bit more...who the hell cares BUT me? Nobody, that's who. Honestly, I make all these idiotic rules in my head about what I need to do, how I need to be, and part of me really is convinced that these are universal rules. Part of me is still convinced that perfectionism is attainable. Perfect mind, perfect body, perfect soul. I was watching Law and Order: SVU last night while doing my work, and when asked for the reason behind one of his actions, Chris Meloni's character said: "Jesus was perfect, I'm not." I struggle with that. I struggle with not being able to be totally Christ-like, because if you believe in Jesus, you inherently believe that as a human, you can never achieve perfection. NEVER. That's terrifying. If I'm not perfect, who am I? If I don't get an A on all three of the assignments I'm handing in this week, who am I?
I don't even feel...human...I feel like I am a construct of the rules and regulations in my head. I'm certain that this sounds absolutely ludicrous, but if you've got any inclination towards perfectionism, if you have even the slightest obsessive-compulsive tendencies, you'll understand what I mean.
I don't feel very eloquent today...
1 comment:
I was watching that episode too.
And I'm not even going to talk about perfectionism. But, you did bring up an example that I've never really considered fully, the "Christ-like" model of life, or interpreted through my own religious upbringing ( ie, secular, and a spiritual work in progress)the living up to expectations of any spiritual guide/model/existence...something to think about ...
Post a Comment